Depression / Anxiety
Depression and anxiety are usually characterized by certain ways of thinking, called cognitive styles, that reflect overgeneralizations about oneself and the world one inhabits. The depressed or anxious person falls victim to what Karen Horney called the "tyranny of shoulds," an over active system of self-commands. Thoughts are swamped with "I should" statements such as "I should always do the right thing, know the right answer, or be such and such." The mind is full of harsh criticism and little compassion for oneself is experienced.
While it seems to come naturally, we do ourselves no favor when we hold a image of perfection and unconsciously tell ourselves "Hide the disgraceful person you actually are; this is how you should be," and to be this idealized self is what matters. I should be able to endure everything, to understand everything, to like everybody, to be always productive" or similar dictates. This is the tyranny of the should.
We all carry a secret wound, a fear lurking inside that we are not enough. We secretly feel that if people really knew us they could not love us. Often one feels anxious, confused, and emotionally drained before the day is even begun. Motivation is not so much a desire for improvement as a fear of failure. We need to care passionately about our relationships, our work, our lives, but we also need to know how to be accepting and gentle with ourselves when we fall short. We must not run from suffering or blame others for it, but look at it and accept it as instructive and meaningful.
Psychotherapy is a very effective way for a person to find that being gentle with oneself is not all that difficult, its a matter of getting to know oneself.
